That's Not How You Do It
by Gin Sensei
Summary: What does every shinigami/hollow/overpowered teenager have in common? They're all idiots. The good kind, though. Endearing, lovable hilarious idiots. This is their story. Mostly Ichigo-centric cracked short stories.
1. Physics

Hi, all, and welcome to my first fan fiction. Thanks-in-advance for actually bothering to read it, and I hope I make it worth your time.

_That's Not How You Do It_ is a look inside the lives of the cast of Bleach when they're not fighting, training, fighting, arguing and fighting. Because, though the fights are cool, my favorite thing about Bleach is how awkward, stubborn, and downright ridiculous they can all be with one another. So here you go, a collection of stories of Bleach heroes (mostly Ichigo) being idiots. Enjoy.

Don't Own Bleach.

This first chapter features Ichigo and Urahara, and takes place around chapter 60~something of the manga, in Urahara's huge underground basement-cave.

* * *

**Chapter 1: Physics**

"When an object passes through the air, it creates a series of pressure waves in front of and behind it, very similar to the wake of a boat moving through the water. These waves travel at the speed of sound, which, at sea level conditions, is roughly 1,225 kilometers per hour."

Clad in a white lab professor's uniform, Urahara paused briefly to jot a few notes on the blackboard before turning back around to address his pupils.

"Now, as the speed of the object itself increases, the distance between the sound waves is shortened, and as the object reaches the speed of sound, these waves are compressed into a single shock wave. This phenomenon is known as.... what, class?"

A small girl timidly raised her hand, patiently waiting for a permissive nod from her professor before answering. "A sonic boom?"

"Correct, Ururu!" Urahara exclaimed, snapping his paper fan shut to point it dramatically at her. "Continuing on, the power of such a shock wave is directly dependent on the quantity of air being moved, and therefore on the size and shape of the object in motion, but they generally represent a powerful and rather noisy shift in air pressure."

Pausing to let the lecture sink in, Urahara took the opportunity to observe the faces of his class. Despite the rather... .impromptu nature of his classroom, he was pleased to see that they were following along rather well. Sure, he had no textbooks, writing materials, desks, walls or ceiling to speak of, but Urahara was a teaching genius. In this sectioned-off dirt patch of his training area, he could teach rocket science to monkeys, as long as he had his trusty blackboard (which may or may not have been pinched from Soul Society's research department). Ururu and Jinta sat in the front row, watching and listening with rapt attention. In Jinta's case, it was more like marginal attention, but for a 12 year old boy, Urahara figured it was about the same thing. His third student, however, was making no effort at all.

"Ichigo Kurosaki," the teacher clucked disapprovingly, pacing toward the boy lounging around in the back of the class, "can you tell me what the effect of a sonic boom would be on the human body at extremely close range?"

"Unnngh...." Ichigo answered lazily, rolling from one side to the other. "Mmmmmngh...."

"No, that's incorrect. Please try to pay a little more attention in class, Mr. Kurosaki," Urahara frowned. "Can anyone help him out?"

"I think it would knock him flat on his ass!" Jinta stifled a snicker.

"Crudely put, yes it would." Urahara paced as he spoke. "A shock wave applied to the human body produces pressure waves in the tissue. These waves are most damaging at junctions of different types of tissue, like bone and muscle, or places where tissue meets air, such as the lungs or stomach."

"So," Urahara paused again in front of his trouble student, "what symptoms do you think you can expect, Mr. Kurosaki?"

"Urrgh...." Ichigo managed between labored breaths. "Grrrrgh...."

"Very good! Shortness of breath, due to the trauma to the lungs. What else?"

Giving his 'teacher' a decidedly murderous look, Ichigo attempted to struggle to his feet, only to fall heavily on his face. "Gaah.."

"Excellent! Disorientation or vertigo – these are caused by disruption of the inner ear, an organ which provides the brain with a sense of balance."

Ichigo shot out a hand to grab Urahara's ankle, only to be deftly sidestepped. The shady-headed shopkeeper continued as if he didn't even notice the strike.

"Fortunately, the human body is a resilient thing, able to withstand and recover from the trauma in a relatively short time. Even still, repeated exposure to such shock can be extremely bad in the long run. Which is why, if a person gains the ability to travel faster than the speed of sound, he should be a little careful when flinging himself around like a retarded cannonball."

Allowing the slightest smirk to break his professor's facade, Urahara squatted down to Ichigo's level.

"Have we all learned our lesson?"

"Go to.... hell....."


	2. Chappy

Hey, look, another chapter! Apparently I follow through on stuff sometimes. Anyway, this one takes place early in the series (pre-Rukia's abduction) and features Ichigo and Rukia. Have fun.

(Still don't own Bleach)

* * *

**Chapter 2: Chappy**

To say that Ichigo Kurosaki was screwed would be a drastic understatement.

'Completely and hopelessly screwed beyond any level of screwage he has ever been or will ever be' would be a far more accurate way to put it.

This was the thought racing through Ichigo's brain as he tore his bedroom apart.

"Rukia's gonna beat the crap out of me!" He literally ripped the door off of his own closet, revealing the makeshift sleeping quarters of his pseudo-roommate, the petite raven-haired shinigami and object of his current distress. He cursed aloud as he plunged into her few belongings, flinging them haphazardly all over the place as he searched for a specific item.

"She HAS to have another one! If she gets back before I find it..... she'll kill me!"

Having thoroughly rifled through every item on the closet's lower shelf (the 'bed' shelf), he quickly reached up to give the upper shelf a similar treatment, but hissed in pain as his arms snapped abruptly to the end of their length a good foot short of their goal. Normally, the tall and lanky teen would have no trouble reaching anything in his own closet, but these circumstances were nowhere near normal. His current height (well under 5 feet) was a far cry from his usual stature. His distinctive messy orange hair was gone, replaced by neatly-cut shoulder length black tresses. His boy-parts were now girl-parts.

Ichigo looked exactly like Rukia Kuchiki.

* * *

[15 minutes earlier...]

Homework, Ichigo decided, was the most absolutely boring task ever conceived by man. They could use it as torture in prisons. That way, prisoners could learn AND stop being criminals. And if people decide that it's inhumane, then they'd have to stop making kids do it too. Either way, somebody wins. Usually, Ichigo didn't have such a tendency to drift away on the train of thought, but he wasn't usually this bored. "And if it isn't hard enough to concentrate," he grumbled as he slouched at his desk, scribbling tediously away at a math worksheet, "I have to deal with the creepy blank stare of that gigai too."

He had no way to prove it, but Ichigo was growing increasingly certain that Rukia had intentionally propped her human shell up on his bed to face him like a weird little mannequin before jumping out the window to 'escape the land of boring' as she had so eloquently put it. It was something she'd do, the little brat was always finding ways to piss him off. As Ichigo glared at Rukia's empty body, his train of thought began to detour again.

He never thought much about it, but a lot of the technology Rukia had access to was downright amazing. Sure, no one in Soul Society thought twice about gigais, but on Earth the ability to slip into a false body as easily as slipping on a coat was strictly science fiction. He'd never mention it aloud, but Ichigo always wondered what it was like to be in one. Deciding he deserved a break from studying, Ichigo slid back in his chair with a grin. There was certainly one way to find out.

He stretched and rose from his seat, feigning disinterest as he walked over to his bed and took a sideways look at the body. Nobody was around to see him (except for that blank-eyed Rukia face), but he maintained a guarded expression simply because.... well, it was a weird idea. A stupid one, too, for that matter. But..... his sisters and father were out on a house call, and Rukia probably wouldn't be back for half an hour at least. He could try it, and no one would ever have to know. Ichigo took one cautionary glance at the door, closed the curtains around his window, and took a deep breath. And then proceeded to make the biggest mistake of his life.

* * *

Ichigo had to stop digging when he realized he was on the verge of tearing out his own drywall. He stepped out of the closet, breathing heavily, and willed himself to calm down. He was obviously getting nowhere. There was a way to fix this situation, he just needed to think. As far as he knew, there were two ways out of a gigai: that glove Rukia was always braining him with, and those weird 'soul candy' pills she carried around. At first, he had tried to use the glove to leave his own body, but couldn't quite get it to work, so he had simply swallowed one of her soul candies. It was easy enough to then walk into the gigai in his spirit form, but what he didn't count on was his body suddenly reanimating, bolting up with a sudden "PYON!" and jumping out the window and into the night. While wearing the glove one one hand and holding the soul candy in the other. Ichigo was now certain that Rukia didn't have a spare of either, or he would have found them by now. He needed a way out of the gigai quick, before Rukia came back and decided to use the third method – death.

Suddenly, he had a flash of inspiration. Urahara, that creepy old shopkeeper, probably had loads of stuff for situations like this. It would be embarrassing, but at least there probably wouldn't be any violence. He made a dash for the window, seeing his salvation in front of him, and with a sharp crack he met Rukia with a brutal headbutt.

"Ow, damn it!" Rukia staggered into the room, rubbing her face. "What the hell..... Chappy?"

Ichigo sat frozen against the wall where he fell, feeling panic flood back into his mind.

"What are you doing in my gigai, Chappy? I know for a fact that I didn't use you." Rukia's eyes narrowed as she looked around. "What happened in here, and where's Ichigo?"

Ichigo saw his life flash before his eyes. He was as good as busted. Cornered, as a last resort, he suddenly had a very, very dumb idea.

"Ummm.... Ichigo.... h..h..he knocked over the.. uh... walls and stuff.... by accident. And he went out to.... get the stuff to fix them," Ichigo managed in his best Rukia voice. "He uh... woke me up because.... ah... so I could tell you where he went!"

It felt like hours were going by as Rukia's judging stare burned into him, and just as Ichigo was about to crumble, admit everything, and apologize as hard as humanly possible, Rukia broke eye contact, crossed her arms and huffed in annoyance.

"What a moron," she groused. "Hasn't he heard of leaving a note?"

Having averted the immediate threat, Ichigo sighed in relief, but was immediately shocked back into terror again as Rukia knelt down close in front of him. Very close. Way too close.

"Hey, are you all right? You're acting kind of weird."

"Y...yeah, I guess. No problems, really," Ichigo stammered. Then as an afterthought, "p...pyon."

"No, you're definitely acting weird," Rukia said, beginning to grow concerned. She placed her hands on either side of his head, tilting it back to look up his nose. "If that idiot Urahara sold me a defective product again, I'm going to throw him into traffic."

Ichigo gritted his teeth as she examined his face, frantically trying not to lose control as she poked his eyes, nose, ears and mouth. When she abruptly yanked up his shirt, he hit his limit.

"WHOA!" he screamed, jumping to his feet. "WHAT the....."

His voice trailed off as he stared past Rukia at his window. His eyes grew wide and his stomach dropped down to his ankles as he watched his truant body hop from the sill and plop onto the bed, open its mouth with an amused expression and utter one wretched word.

"Pyon!"

Rukia's face went through a rainbow of emotions. Surprise at her gigai's outburst, then confusion at Ichigo's bizarre entrance and behavior, and finally suspicion, comprehension, shock, anger and rage as she realized what was going on. Ichigo watched each of these with growing horror, but still didn't manage to see the attack coming.

A flash, the whistle of steel slicing through air and suddenly he's on the ground, hands clasped around a bleeding throat.

"Rukia, stop!" he coughed, "I can explain!"

"The hell you will," she snarled, flicking blood from the letter opener that was on his desk not two seconds ago. "I'm going to cut you until you come out of there, and then I'm going to cut your soul until you're sorry for what you did."

"N... now come on. Just calm down a little..."

"And THEN," Rukia's spiritual energy exploded around her as her anger reached a peak, "I'm going to MURDER YOU, ICHIGO!"

He barely managed to roll to the side as her next strike cleaved a crater into his floor,and scrambled madly to jump out the window. He hit the ground running, his fight-or-flight instincts stuck on full throttle flight as he tore off down the street, followed closely by the demon that was once Rukia and the bouncing blockhead rabbit that was once Ichigo.


End file.
